Somebody, Anybody, Please help me breathe.

Where am I?

Crying.

Dizzy, but not in the traditional Sense.
I move my eyes and my whole surroundings WHOOSH from the back of my head.
Move my head and my eyes and brain WHOOSH to try and catch up.
I am completely numb. No feeling, skin and body is woolly and ... Well, not there.
No taste, no hunger, no thirst but senses on high alert.

Frightened.

Chest is numb but heart is tight, I think the demon is Squeezing.
My shoulders are tight.
My vocal chords are taut and only capable of producing cries right now.
Breathing is erratic but I know I need to breathe.
Take a deep breath. Okay. That produced a spinning of the head, a tightening in the shoulders and in that secret place in your spine that knows when a demon is around.
My eyes are blurring, I think I am going blind. Sitting up writing this is making all of the above triple in Sensation.
Hearing. Muted voices floating down a cotton wool filled tunnel, fighting through the spinning to acknowledge what is heard.

Where am I?

I am looking down at myself from a fog. A thick, pea-soup smog made up of; fear, anxiety, misery, depression, self – negativity, a semi-conscious state of fear.
There are many demons picking at me, grabbing my soul, squeezing my reality.
I am very close to hell right now. I am loosing my grip on reality and the hell of my FND and anxiety is very very real.
I Can almost see What it looks like.
Swirling, black, red, purple mass of pure, unadulterated hell.
I am not good right now.
I do not know what triggered it, I do not know how to fix it.
Somebody, ANYBODY, please help me.

The Reincarnation of my Father xxxx

Hey!

So excited I have to tell you! I am adopting 2 cats and I cannot wait. I am an animal lover and have missed having a little furry friend around the place. My son recently bought a puppy and 'puppy sitting' my new canine grandson kinda sealed the deal.

I want a pet, I've missed having a pet, they are so loving (yes even cats)! They are so therapeutic, it is kind of part of my therapy I guess.

So what kind of cat? Do I go all out and buy a posh pedigree £500 kitten, do I buy a kitten at all? Nope, thought I, I am going to rescue some adult cats who have been forgotten for whatever reason and are in need of a home.

So I contacted a local, small cat rescue charity, Feline friends (www.felinefriends.co.uk)! And have decided to adopt the most beautiful boy, Sylvester. Now here's the thing, Sylvester is black and white and for all you non-football fans, black and white is the colours of my Dads team, Newcastle United. My Dad died in January and my daughter (Amy) who is only 10, still misses him terribly. So said Amy, can we rename him Toon Army (nickname for the team) for Granda. Well, said I, I don't really want to be shouting Toon Army in the back garden! So after much consideration, we have decided to rename him Steve or Stevie as the case may be. Mind on Sunday he will get Stephen, his posh name. This was my Dads name.

I think my Dad would have liked to be reincarnated as a cat. He can still laze about in retirement, he doesn't have to learn any tricks etc and can be all aloof and decide when he wants a cuddle!!! Steve it is!!!!

P s. The cat is only 3 and the two names have the same ring and tone when called, so I think the change will be fine.

The other cat has just come into the centre, she is a chocolate coloured rag doll called, Coffee! As a coffee lover myself, I love that name and think she was meant for me!
She needs some attention before she can be brought home, needs vet checks and vaccinated, neutered etc. So we will be visiting Coffee and getting to know her whilst she gets her treatment. Bless her.

Just had a thought, now I can add crazy cat lady to my list too!!!

Pics to follow

Xxx

Can't sleep or won't sleep?

Hey!

It's 5am and once again I can't sleep, but I've been thinking, ( never good at the best of times never mind at 5am)! Is it a case of can't sleep or won't sleep?! πŸ€”

Maybe my brain is saying, 'nope, not dreaming that again thank you very much'. Perhaps it is sick of reliving the guilt, fear and distress from my past life and would rather lie awake and over-think my current and future life?

Either way, I am pretty f**k3d.

So, in the meantime what do I do? Lie awake and write a blog, post on Instagram and hope I manage to reach out to people who understand what it is like to suffer from this incessant sleep deprivation.

My EMDR THERAPY is due to start on Monday, maybe that is keeping me up?

Please brain, let me go to sleep, just for an hour of two?! Pretty please? πŸ₯ΊπŸ’™πŸ’™πŸ’™

Is my pride still in the closet?!

Hey!

I haven't written anything for ages, sorry about that. The truth is, I have been feeling a bit disheartened that nobody seems / seemed interested enough to read anything I have to say. πŸ˜ͺ

Anyhow, pick myself up a bit, dust off my wounded pride and shove it in a cupboard somewhere out of sight and carry on!
Who cares if nobody reads it, it's my journey...right? πŸ€”πŸ€¨πŸ–€

Instagram starts to pick up a bit and I start thinking, hang on, maybe I can do this. Even if I reach out to just one person I have made a difference.

Next mission....what's been happening that's worth talking about? I dont want to continually spread doom and medical gloom. So I have decided to make a list and get some blogs on here asap. Some will be nice some will be a bit gloomy but we cant have it all right?! Story and poetry publishing, raving mad coffee ladies at uni, throw a bit of self-harming in, oh and I must tell you about the Barbie shelf!πŸ˜˜πŸ€—

So, I just wanted to touch base and get back in contact with all or none as the case maybe. Hey, I had lots of imaginary friends when I was a kid, hell, I still do! 🀣🀣

Till next time, stay safe and keep strong xxx ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤



10 WORST MEMORIES

My psychologist and mental health support worker has been helping me deal with the here and now and cope more with anxiety and depression. I have to say this has been really beneficial. ❤️❤️

A mixture of mindfulness, meditation and some great tools such as stress buckets, life charts and planners, which I will post on here tomorrow have all been extremely useful and are really helpful.

QUICK RANT

Quick rant, you try your bloody hardest and all you get back is shit, shit, shit.

This is what really gets your anxiety levels through the roof and what makes it worse is the people responsible know exactly how to do it.

T.H.U.G

I've struggled lately.

I've struggled with myself as a person.

I've struggled greatly with my temper in particular, (which can be pretty intense and fiery at times).
I think I lost focus for a while and instead focussed on negativity such as jealousy and resentment.

HEY DEMON, SSHH

Good morning, having taken advice from my mental health nurse I have just completed a morning meditation to clear any negative inner thoughts and tune into positivity and mindfulness.

While I was clearing these negative thoughts two people kept popping into my head and they were clearly telling me everything I needed to know to ensure that I started the day stressed and anxious. Thanks to this meditation I have managed to wipe them away for now and I have to say despite my initial reluctance, I do feel relaxed, focused, positive and ready to face whatever challenges today

DANCE OF THE STARS

Lying like a lion,
Stretched out in full repose,
Commander gave an almighty yawn,
And roared,  "Bloody hell, 'I'm bored".
"Let's retire to the Game Room",
"I have a plot in mind",
"We'll pick an unsuspecting family",
"They'll not be hard to find".
Poor Taurus followed meekly,
This game, he knew it well,
Some poor, unfortunate family
About to be dragged through hell;
All for the gratification
Of a tempestuous ne'er do well.
Gazing thru' the World Wide Web
'Updated frequently',
Commander, seeing some happy soul,
Cried, "That's the one for me",
"Let's throw him into turmoil",
"Let's really shake him up",
"He looks far too happy",
"Loving life and wife and pup",
Commander danced and clapped with glee,
Taurus hung his head in shame,
He hoped and prayed with all his might,
Luck would enter and ruin the game.
"Strike the wife, hit her hard",
"In fact give a double whammy",
"Take the bloody dogs n' all"
"Let's really up the anti".
Taurus stared in disbelief,
Commander, he needed ending,
This eternal 'game'; this dance of fate,
It really needed mending.
The stars have played this game before,
This roulette of good and bad,
Sucking all the good times out,
Leaving only sad.
Remember, dear reader,
It could happen to you or me,
For who are we, but poor mortals,
Unable to control the powers that be.
By
   Barbara Robson
 

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY CONCENTRATION?

Hi Folks, has anyone seen my concentration?
I may have left it in hospital, tucked up in bed with a morphine drip, or maybe it is tucked away under my anxiety and stress receptors, knocking like crazy, trying to get out. Either way I fear it has gone AWOL.